I first came across pornography when I was 13.
The graphic language and narrative quickly caught my attention, but made me feel disturbed – it was a battle between feeling dirty for continuing and knowing that I should close my computer immediately. What turned into one story became dozens, dozens of stories became videos, and videos became fantasies in my head that were difficult to stop. I would face the battle between feeling dirty and knowing I should walk away many, many more times.
I was raised in a religious environment that was somewhat affected by the generalizations and stereotypes of purity culture. Pornography was something only men struggled with, I heard. The lack of context for women’s pornography addiction caused me to hide, deeply, and to try to fight alone. I assumed I was an anomaly. I have discovered since that 76% of females between ages 18-30 have viewed pornographic material, whether regularly or not, and some studies indicate that 1 in 3 porn addicts is a woman. I was far from an anomaly, after all.
Self-deception, or the habit of lying to yourself and others about the severity of your behaviors, is a hallmark of addiction. Read more…
