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Stop Accommodating Your Ex and Move On…

When you have been married to a man for 10 years or more, it becomes difficult to imagine a life without them. If you have children, the challenge becomes even more difficult because you both are still in constant contact.

What’s amazing is that your husband has moved on with his life—maybe even found a new partner—and you’re still hanging around, accommodating his needs in some way. It’s time to stop the madness!

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There is no way you can find the new beauty of life that awaits you if you are still holding on to some semblance of your past.

Love them, leave them

Exploring a new life for yourself doesn’t always mean that you no longer love your ex-husband. If you both share children, and you have shared a great portion of your lives together, it will be very hard to just move on and act as if those years with that person never existed.

The worst part about it is that although you can’t seem to move on, your husband proved that he can in certain ways. Although he has found a new mate, changed jobs, changed his address, and a host of other things, he still seems to rely on you. Maybe he still wants you to be available when he calls to talk. Or, maybe he wants you to allow him full access into your life—using the children as an excuse to keep you near.

This is only a method some ex’s use to hold something they are familiar with close, all while they continue to explore something new without you. If you find that you are still hanging onto strings that are attached to your ex, then you will need to make a decision about your life—if you truly want to find the happiness you deserve.

It’s all about YOU now

You will always consider what is best for your children, regardless of your marriage. Your children had nothing to do with the end result of your marriage, so make sure you keep that in mind. However, you must also consider your own feelings, needs, and wants after you have cut the ties between you and your husband. You are no longer bound by the commitment of doing what is necessary to make your marriage work.

There is no marriage, remember? Now, you must look at your life and decide what steps you would like to take to ensure your own happiness. Stop allowing your ex to come into your life whenever they please just because they feel the need. It has nothing to do with you, so please do not fool yourself into thinking that their presence in your life is an indication of their commitment to you or your relationship.

If this were the case, you would probably still be married.

Let go of the guilt

Many women give 100% during their marriage and find it difficult to let go of the ties that bind, even when the person on the other side of those ties have long gone.

As a wife and mother, you give everything, and you often ask for nothing in return. This is why you feel such pain when you are forced to face your life alone after so many years of being connected with another person. You are a nurturing spirit who finds pleasure in helping others.

This is great, but now it’s time to turn that attention onto yourself. Take time to make a list of the things you love doing alone (and then do everything on the list). Call a few friends (the single ones) and go out for brunch. If your ex calls while you are busy, tell him so. Let him know you will call him back when you can.

It’s time to let go of the guilt that tends to creep up when you want to do something for yourself. You deserve your own attention and you shouldn’t feel bad about giving yourself all the love you deserve. You don’t need someone else’s approval for this. You’ve earned the right in just being who you are.

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About Audra L.

Audra L. is an author, columnist and community activist who's dedicated to finding truth through research and effective communication. She received her degree in Public Policy and teaches Community Development, Public Speaking and Communications Law to youth throughout the nation. She is the recipient of over 23 awards and honors for her commitment to community outreach initiatives.

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