Listen up boys, I have a special request – I’m sure most of your wives aren’t going to ask of you, so I’m taking one for the team.
I’m just going to say it: Please teach our sons how to pee properly.
Let be frank, you’ve been messing with that thing since the day you discovered you had it and haven’t stopped since. That means you know certain things that we as females don’t regarding the idiosyncrasies of trajectory and aim.
The only thing I know about when it comes to males and bathrooms is how to spot an inconsiderate pee-er after they’re done using it.
Now, you’re probably wondering why I would bring up a subject that seems equally inconsequential and crass, so sit back and let me tell you a story about what happens when your three-year-old boy hasn’t been taught proper aim.
Yesterday morning started off as any other morning in our household. If anything, it was a particularly pleasant morning because we have been trying to nighttime potty train my son and he had woken up to a clean, dry bed. It was the 4th night in a row and I was thinking to myself, This is so great! Maybe he finally has the hang of this “controlling his bladder” thing.
Rookie mistake, friends, rookie mistake. Don’t ever, ever think that you’re in the clear when it comes to stuff like that.
Anyway, it’s 7:30 a.m. My son is strapped in his car seat in the back. I’m driving. It’s just the two of us and we’re on the interstate in South Florida during rush hour. We’re pretty much at a standstill. Suddenly, my son says from the back, “Mommy, I have to go potty.” Pretty much the last thing you want to hear your toddler declare while you’re in rush hour. I look back at him and ask him if he can hold it to which he replies, “I’ll try” but his face is pinched like he can maybe last another 3 minutes tops. There is literally nowhere for me to pull over.
So, I do what any normal, rational person would do in this situation. I opened my car door, poured out my coffee from my travel mug, and handed the empty cup back to my son. “Honey, I’m gonna need you to pee in this,” I say to him (which isn’t a normal request for ANYONE but is especially confusing to a kid that never even knew that was an option).
Traffic starts moving, so I can’t exactly hold the cup and help him drop trow AND teach him how to properly aim into the cup so pee doesn’t go all over the car. But damn if I didn’t try. And not to toot my own horn or anything, but I have to say we had some pretty good teamwork going. My son managed to figure out what I was asking of him and hold the cup still as he peed and I drove. I actually was pretty proud of how good he was doing when suddenly a car pulled out in front of me and I slammed on the breaks.
Pee. Went. Flying. EVERYWHERE, completely soaking my son in the process. Literally, head to toe. Of course, we’re still in rush hour and he has to sit like that for another ten minutes as I try to calm him down by explaining that this is completely normal and, yes, I promise I won’t tell any of his friends at preschool that he got pee all over him.
Now, I realize this incident probably would have occurred, regardless. However, it might have gone a little smoother had my husband taught him how to control stream, aim, and object in hand while in random situations.
So please, dads. Let’s try to minimize pee accidents like this from happening by teaching them how to manage their wee-wees a little better.
A Scarred-For-Life Mother