Christmas is the prime season for journalists, bloggers, and writers because it lends itself to so… much… fantastic…material.
The Christmas season dredges up a plethora of hard-hitting topics that go right to the heart of the human condition – themes ranging from tumultuous family dynamics, to love and gratitude, to depression and isolation. (Which are all ACTUAL issues that SHOULD BE addressed this time of year.)
For example, the fact that suicide rates go up exponentially between Thanksgiving and New Years is a statistic alone that deserves tons of publicity and coverage.
And yet, most people decide to focus their attention on inconsequential crap like Starbucks cups and offensive song lyrics and whether saying “Happy Holidays” is an insult to Jesus.
And now, writers and journalists everywhere are salivating over the most frequent “Christmas Controversy” in which people are lobbying for a gender-neutral Santa because… OF COURSE, THEY ARE.
Why worry about kids so poor they’ve never even SEEN a Santa Clause when we can focus on more pertinent issues like what Santa’s hiding beneath those sexy velour trousers?
A large part of me didn’t even want to write this piece because it further gives credence to an issue that’s clearly a non-issue, but it makes me so mad, I just HAD to.
I wish I didn’t have to state the most obvious problem with this argument, but Santa Clause isn’t real. (Sorry, If I had to be the one to break the news to you, but you had to find out sometime, so there ya go.) The dude’s not real; he’s a myth – like a unicorn or the Easter Bunny or a morally-sound divorce lawyer. So essentially, we’re arguing about the gender of an idea or symbol.
It’s enough confusion and responsibility to explain to a five-year-old that one guy has the ability to appear at eight malls in the same hour and fly around the world bringing toys to kids in one night. THEN, a few years later, we have to stomp all over their hopes and dreams by saying we actually made the whole thing up. NOW, we’re supposed to explain gender neutrality on top of this already-escalated shit-show?
NEWSFLASH: your kid wouldn’t care if Santa showed up wearing nothing but a speedo and sombrero with long, braided hair, so long as he/she/it came with that Tonka Trunk they had asked for.
As a final note, if we’re going to collectively decide as a society to be offended by how Santa Clause is portrayed, maybe focus on that whole “encouraging-your-little-kid-to-unquestionably-sit-on-a-complete-strangers-lap” part.
Because I’m pretty sure if there is any lesson to teach our kids in this whole “Santa facade” it’s that it is actually totally normal NOT to want to sit on a strange man’s lap.